Wait a second here!

I'm always so in the dark when it comes to people. Today I was thinking how the ex-SO really had screwed himself. He was so selfish and self absorbed that he lost everything that is important in life. He has no home. He is not allowed any contact with his children. He has no wife. His children dislike him intensely. His oldest child told me he doesnt even think of him.

I brought this up to my son who promptly popped my bubble. He told me that this is exactly what the ex-SO wanted. He always put his family before any of us - I remember my son bringing this up at one of our "family therapy" sessions. Now he can do that with no problem. He didnt want to work. Now he doesnt have to and he actually is on the FMLA program which means he doesnt work for a year. He had no interest in me and now he doesnt have to deal with me. He had no interest in the kids and now he doesnt have to deal with the kids. He has no responsibilities - he told me many times that he would never have bought a house but would just live in an apartment so he didnt feel he had to do anything. Add in the mixture that he is infatuated with this woman we know and she seems to return his care, his mommy is taking care of him and he gets to play the narcissist to the hilt with no repercussions and you have it -> he is living the life he wanted.

My mom told me a long time ago - in fact I put it in one of the early blog entries here - that he would be happiest when he was free of us.

So my mom and my son figured it out right away. I was still applying my own values to it. I would be devastated if I lost my home and family. He wanted it. He told me a long time ago when we were married many years and already had our kids that if he could do it over again he would not get married and just stay in his home country and take care of his parents. And basically, if he returns there then he will be doing exactly that. Amazing to me that someone could be so twisted and that I could have accepted that for so long.

Touching base with my lawyer

I visited my lawyer yesterday.

Suprisingly, he has not contacted her. We went over how we'd like to split the marital assets. Since he has not responded with a lawyer to the suit, he is technically in default.

We talked about the girls since he has started to comment on "missing" them. (So typical - he doesnt say he is worried about them or wants to know how they are doing. Instead its all about him once again.) I talked to their therapist to get her professional opinion on what she thinks is the best thing for them on visiting with him. She immediately nixed it saying his erratic behavior - outside the possibility of physically hurting or scaring them- would only confuse them. Combining this with the fact that they have not indicated any need or want to see him, she thinks we should stick to the two-year order during which time he could prove he can keep to his meds and get better.

So worst case is he gets a lawyer and he drags out the process. But the results will be the same.

Best case is he continues to be in default and this entire thing can be done in April.

Yes! In April. Apparently, if the grounds are mental cruelty, one does not have to wait six months.

How sweet that will be. Then I can get back to just focussing on our lives and the future.

Uh, uh! Musn't!

My soon-to-be-former SIL

This morning opened with a phone call at 8 a.m. from his sister. Two phone calls, in fact- one to my cell and one to the home. She communicated that she would be picking up the car at 5 as planned (guess her youngest brother didnt manage to tell her that it was there since 5 pm last nite) and that he had some questions for me and he missed the girls (is this the same guy that couldnt be bothered to play a single game or watch a dull movie or listen their stories or spend a minute doing anything that wasnt directly for him?).

Since third party communications are prohibited by the order AND I do not like his sister even a little, I decided to ignore the call. I figured his brother would call her eventually and let her know it was there.

Two hours later, I get an SMS from his nephew. Again, they'll pick up the car, the previous SO has some questions and an fyi (Zounds!) and he "really misses the girls". (Does this guy know how to play the crowd or what?)

So I SMS'd his nephew back. I reminded him that no matter how deluded the former SO was about his relationship to the girls that the order of protection holds and third party message passing is prohibited by the order. I also told him that any violation of the order - no matter how seemingly small - would have us 911-ing or reporting to the police. The ex-SO knows this as does his sister and they had better not contact us anymore on his behalf or I will know what to do.

Car Released

Today we took his car and all the stuff I could fit into it to the mechanic he goes to. Boy was it loaded! He is in for a shock when he sees it. But I did a nice job - I only half filled each clear bag and placed it flat so he could take them out one at a time. (As if he would do anything except leave them in his car. But wait! I remember now that his mom is living with his sister too so she'll go through them.)

This was the first time I drove his car - our eldest took it from the towing company. Its a wreck since he drove it off the road twice, hit his sister's car in the driveway and who knows what else.

After leaving it at his mechanic with the keys hidden behind the front license plate, I SMS'd his bro and told him it was there, everything from his hotel room, upstairs room and car was packed in it, and that if he wanted to contact us it should be through the lawyer.


Then home to a nice dinner of home-made pizza with my kids in my clean and safe house.

Released from the Wild

Rec'd a call today from the social worker at the hospital that he was released to his sister in the morning. She said she told him in front of his sister that the Order was extended to two years and that he was to only contact us through our lawyer.

His reaction to this was that he was depressed because he "missed his girls." These girls with whom his absence had not made a single ounce of difference.


What a fine way he has found to elicit sympathy!

She told me two things that concerned me. One that they didnt think he was faking his recovery but they have no way of telling. And, she felt he had "a little bit of insight". When these people talk about insight, they are referring to the patient's ability to tell he/she is ill. So does this mean he is still fighting the idea he is ill? As he said before he "likes to feel this way" when he is manic.

*** doors swing open to reveal human blinking in sunlight ***

Looks like, according to his social worker, he is a "different person" now and is likely to be released to his sister this weekend.

I dont know how I feel about that.

Its good he is calming down.

On the other hand, if he doesnt stay on his meds or if he retains the idea that he is above the law or if he has problems with his stuff in his car, then I'll be pestered.

Too bad it wasnt a week later - my kids are off on spring break but I'll be leaving them here on their own four mornings. But they know to call the police if he shows up.

I guess I'm glad he is recovering but wary that he'll be a pain in the ass again. I just dont want to be bothered by him anymore. Lets just get the divorce over with and leave us be until he can prove he is stable for a long period of time so kids are not at risk.

Another change in legal representation

Dear Eudoxia's Lawyer:

My client has decided that he no longer wishes for us to represent him. Although he has told me this probably 10 times in the short time I have known him, I do believe, at this time, that he is certain that he wants to proceed either on his own or with a new attorney. Accordingly, he has signed a consent for me to withdraw, and I am forwarding that to you. We will be presenting our motion to withdraw on March 20th since we have previously schedule our motion for leave to appear for that date.

If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know.

Very truly yours,

Ahhhhhh....

Tranquility

No hearings to attend or worry about.

Ex-S.O. is parked in the mental hospital and we are out of his reach. He told his brother not to talk to me and his brother is honoring that. And, as my eldest pointed out, this is great. I told his brother that I expected that even tho I had put in hours and hours of work on helping the ex-S.O. and that he should not contact me in the future to ask for any help or assistance from this point on. So I'm clear there.

First step towards getting my 401K transfer is initiated and I'm waiting for the papers.

I had a GREAT spring break from school.

Several lunches/coffees with good friends.

Spent a wonderful day with my mom and my gram (tho only 1 hour with my gram.) Finally bought my nano. Had a fun day playing with my photographs so I can return to blogging those. Did do some studying which was very helpful for an upcoming test. Registered for a summer class that turned out to be perfect in terms of time. Cleaned out the room where we stored all the ex-S.O.'s stuff - it filled the room - and then packed and loaded all but the purchases we thought might be returnable back into his car. Cleaned the library room which had fallen apart for some reason. Cleaned the girls' room and my room. And I picked out a perfume for myself as I love to wear a fragrance but didnt want to wear one ex-S.O. had picked out and purchased. And this morning I returned to my running.

Who could ask for anything more?

I didnt do all I planned but I realize now I planned too much. (Thats a new one for me!)

You Decide

Snake?
or

Saint?

Dear Eudoxia's Lawyer:

I humbly apologize for not filing an appearance and answer in the dissolution matter you have filed. However, I feel I owe you an explanation as to why I haven't done so, even though I have prepared a motion to appear and answer. As you know, my client has been diagnosed as being manic and bi-polar. Virtually everyday when I open my office there is a voice message waiting for me, firing me. Ethically, I should not do anything for someone who has fired me, however, every time I go to see him he retracts the discharge.

I just left him late Thursday afternoon and I have come to the conclusion regardless of his voice messages over the telephone I will just proceed to protect him because that seems to be what he wants, and more importantly, what he needs.

I am going to instruct my staff to immediately file my motion to appear and answer the petition you have filed.

I think at some point, even though we are quite far apart, it will be necessary that you and I sit down and discuss this matter whether it be a telephone or a personal face to face confrontation. I think that there are matters that must be worked out. Thanks for the passport and driver's license which I will keep in a safe place.

I don't know if you are aware of it, but my client has been in a locked ward at the hospital for a long period of time and he has asked me to move him to another hospital. I will attempt to do so, but I believe that will be difficult to do.

Having said all that, I don't want you to think that I am avoiding anything or being unresponsive. It is just very difficult to deal with him.

I look forward to meeting withyou.

Very truly yours,

SO's Lawyer

Moving on ...

SO has taken on the partner of the guy who did his mental hearing for his divorce hearing. This is the same guy who volunteered to send my attorney (unasked) my SO's medical records. Hmmmmm....

Anyway, he filed an "appearance" and answered the divorce paper. To sum it up, SO wants maintenance from me, claims I purposely decided not to work (lets just forget that for the past 8 years I have been doing daily therapy with the youngest plus stayed home to watch the kids and help him further his career), and wants to have custody of the kids. Since someone with his mental background might not even be allowed to visit the kids let alone have a say in their upbringing, you can guess what kind of lawyer he has.

In addition, he wants any "defaulting" decisions (eg. the extension of the Order of Protection) to be dropped. Another thousand for the lawyer to fight for nothing since someone who is forcibly remanded to a psychiatric ward for violence and poor judgement is not going to be allowed to drop an order of protection. My lawyer is back from vacation next week so I'll find out then what we are going to do.


The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.

So I plan to tell my lawyer that I do not wish to meet with the SO in the same room under any circumstances except those required by law. He keeps requesting the four of us (two lawyers and we two meet.) I want half of the estate, a little more than half the house, five years to pay his part of the principle of the house off, payment for all his manic spending, support for the kids and maintenance if he is not on social security. Tho I doubt he will work again. He is just too scary and it takes a while to calm the whole mental system down.

Sweet ease

A nice quiet weekend...

We spent yesterday and today without having to address the SO's woes.

I studied, did groceries, made dinner, straightened up the house. Just nice normal living. Today we went to the zoo with my mom and enjoyed a nice dinner out. Then out for a scooter ride (for the kids) and dog walk for me.

The only thing I did was leave his doctor a message because I just remembered today that he was never ADHD but decided a few years back that he was. Perhaps this was the beginning? I also thanked him for his testimony. Without him, SO would be wandering the streets for certain.

Tomorrow my eldest and I are going to check out the campus of one of the schools he can choose to attend. This is the one I want him to go to but its up to him.

So a nice normal day. Here's hoping the week is uneventful.

Illogical ILS

My Brother-In-Law

So, I ask my BIL to be the SO's guardian. He needs someone to shut down his credit cards, fire his lawyer, and look out for his financial well-being.

Response - typical for the inlaws - he has to talk to over with his sister after he sees the SO on Saturday and then decide.

I tell him he has to do it today (Friday) or I'll do it. He says SO has fired his lawyer, is taking his meds and the credit cards are out of his reach. Nevertheless, I feel he needs a guardian. Then BIL tells me the social worker said we cant get guardianship for him - its only for physical problems. (Sound illogical to you too?)
I can tell by his voice he is getting pissed by my insistence and I finish up and ring off.

Then I talk to my mom and decide all I really need at this point is for the credit cards to be shut. Otherwise, for me to be guardian could potentially be a big problem - conflict of interest to begin with.

I SMS my BIL and tell him that he needs to safeguard his brother and if he doesnt see doing a guardianship at this point in time as appropriate then he has to do whatever he has to do. And I ask him to let me know what he decides.


The Social Worker

I called the social worker today to check up on him. See what's going on. She tells me that he is not cooperating much but he is taking the meds he needs, that he is still all about himself ("everything begins and ends with him and him alone"), and he is getting a little depressed. She said we can get guardianship but its difficult - she mentions a short term one of 60 days as a possibility. Then she tells me the lawyer is back and he is trying to move SO to another facility at SO's request. This requires lots of time on the lawyer's part (what a surprise!) and includes an additional court trip.

I hang up and start driving home only to get an SMS from the BIL telling me how he feels everything is now under control - the credit cards away, the lawyers fired, and the treatment begun.

I respond very briefly saying the social worker has just told me the lawyer is back and working to move him to a new facility. And, he should let me know what he decides.


My BIL after my SMS

Catching my breath

Word from the BIL is S.O. is finally taking his meds. The doctor told us that yesterday - that when they get committed a lot of them realize they will never get out without taking their meds so they start cooperating. The hospital finally took away his credit cards. Hooray there! And I heard he fired his lawyer. I worried the most about that.

The race is pretty much run now. I'm going to get my 401K transferred and start paying off the bills. He'll have to pay me back from his share of the assets. So the financial stuff is all figured out. I never wanted more than half - plus, of course, the little extra the court gives me on the house - and for him to pay his bills. Looks like these are now all givens.

I worried he would get the kids though he had no relationship with them and they want none with him. But now that is done too. No room for him to negotiate trying to get them or visit with them. At least none until he is stable for a while and they are ready to meet with him so they dont get traumatized by him.

So now we just move through time. Eventually it all ends. Its already spring break for me. Time just keeps marching on.

My hope is he will continue on his meds and get back to a reasonable facsimile of his old peaceful selfish self. I would love to see him take what's left of his assets and move back to his home country or somewhere else where he could live cheap and be gone from us. He has nothing to hold him here - his kids are out of his reach and want nothing to do with him and he will not get a job here - and its more expensive to live here. He could live like a king in one of the Asian countries. So keeping my fingers crossed for both of those things.

Open Letter to Gram

Dear Gram:

Today I went to court for a mental competency hearing for S.O.. It was very disturbing – traumatic and dramatic. I went after I got a phone call from the states attorney who handles these things. It’s a woman and she was very nice. She said she needed me to testify so I agreed.

We met at 8:30 this morning at the court where they do these mental hearings. She had three people to testify: the recreational therapist, the doctor, and me. The recreational therapist was there because he had threatened her. The doctor was there to talk about the nature of the illness and why S.O. is a threat to himself and others. And, I was there to describe how he used to be, how he started up in May and became worse until he was kicked out and how he threatened me. The states attorney coached us and we practiced how to say the information we had to share.


S.O.’s attorney

S.O.'s attorney came in to tell us that S.O. was planning on going overseas and never going to come back. And, that as far as he was concerned he wanted nothing from the divorce except to get it over and I could have everything. These were things he was putting out there because he thought it would result in S.O. being freed this afternoon. The states attorney quickly kaboshed that idea. As she pointed out, the issue was not what he would be doing once free, the issue was how he was an immediate threat to himself and others. Then the attorney came back and asked if I would meet for ten minutes with S.O.. My response was “Absolutely no.” (My divorce attorney said no decent lawyer would ask a person who has an Order of Protection against someone to meet that person.)

The judge arrived around 10:00 and we were told to go into a courtroom from the back. I thought there was a hearing in progress there for an old man but it ended up that old man was S.O.! I didn’t recognize him at first. He has a full grey beard and his head was shaved. He was standing up at his table when I came in and he looked very frail and very much like his dad from the back. It was very shocking and disturbing. For a few seconds, I thought I was going to cry but I managed to control myself and then was okay.

I was the first to testify. His lawyer tried to intimidate me by getting up and moving so S.O. had a full view of me and was only around six feet away. He said he couldn’t hear me. I immediately told the judge that I felt uncomfortable with no one between us. His lawyer jumps in and says I’m lying and trying to prejudice the judge. The judge got mad at him and told him off and got a police officer in there – but by that time his lawyer had sat down. So it was just a trick to make me screw up I think. But it was good to have the cop there. So I told how he used to be and how he became and how he threatened me (“I’m going to bury you and take the kids” and how I’m going to pay for some imagined problem of middle child's)

Then the recreational therapist from the hospital testified about how he threatened her – basically he told her he was going to cut her head off but it was much more colorful than I just told you. And then she told how he destroys his clothes, paints his clothes and glasses, tapes his clothes, etc. Very upsetting to hear.

Last was the doctor. He described the symptoms and why he is a threat to himself and others. He has threatened many people in the hospital and just recently went one step further by actually grabbing another patient. He told how he has no idea he is sick and is refusing all treatment. And other things he does that shows the problems he has.

Then S.O. testified. I couldn’t look at him – it was just too sad. He was rambling – I have no idea why his attorney put him up there to talk. And he was explaining the whole suicide thing – how he was just illustrating how he could do it if he wanted to but how he never really had the intention to commit suicide.

Then they both made their closing arguments. The states attorney went first and said he was obviously ill and making threats to others and acting erratically and needed to be kept safe until he would accept treatment. His attorney said that in 22 years he had never hit me or his kids and was not likely to be violent now since he has not done any harm to anyone yet. Then the states attorney got to reply. She said the problem is not the last 22 years but that he has been escalating his violence beginning in May and it went from yelling/screaming and waving his arms to threatening to sue people to threatening to hurt people to actually grabbing someone on Saturday. She reminded the lawyer that he didn’t have to have already hurt someone but had to show the potential. She felt it was well demonstrated. Then his lawyer tried to answer but the judge told him he had already had his turn and finally he shut up.

The judge looked at the exhibits, read some reports of threats that were not testified to because the witnesses weren’t there and then said its obvious he is seriously mentally ill and an immediate threat to himself and to others. His violent attitude has been increasing steadily since May 2006 and he needs to be confined until he is better. He is therefore considered mentally incompetent and is to be returned to the Hospital psychiatric ward.


Back he goes

S.O. was flabbergasted. He had every feeling that he would be freed that day apparently. He stood up and started to argue with the judge. I got out of there very fast and waited in another room until they had a cop to escort me out of the building. All the rooms are down one hallway and he was in one of them. I didn’t want him coming out or even talking to me so it was good to have the cop.

He is back at the hospital now. I will see how it is going via his social worker. She is very nice. They will have another hearing in April to see how he is progressing. The original hold is for 90 days. Then if he isn’t well it gets extended.

Meanwhile the divorce continues. I keep having to return stuff he bought and pay off the bills. My mom came up with a brilliant idea last week tho. I had forgotten about my 401K from my old job. I worked there for 13 years and its substantial. So I’m going to support myself by taking that. I can fill it back up again with my share of S.O.’s 401K. So we are now back to being comfortable and financially secure for the time being.

The nicest thing going right now is we are looking forward to the eldest’s graduation in May. He will be living away from home but he is going to college in the city so he will be close by. I had to drop two of my three classes but am enjoying my third. I’ll have to do summer school and that makes me unhappy. But, I am still attending the classes so that when I go in summer I’ll already have seen it before – this will make it easier for me.

That’s about it here. Write me when you get a chance.

Love ME

Tomorrow *yawn*

Tomorrow is another big day. Or maybe not. Whatever happens has worked out for us. My biggest concern is the kids, and, I dont think, given his recent medical history, there is much he can work from that end. Other than that I want him to pay his share of the bills and give me my half and thats that.

His social worker left a message for me saying they were putting the case together and will be sending it to the States Attorney this morning. She said its very tricky and she was not very confident it will go through.

So I prepared my kids that he might get out by just telling them he might and not to worry about it as he really cant get away with much. They seemed okay with that.

I have to find out if there is a warrant for him given his previous breaking of the order. I drop off his passport and license today - we are hoping he'll just leave the country and then get stuck out there.

Money makes the world go around!

For more than a few weeks, we've been trying to figure out the financials of my life.


One Possiblity considered and rejected.

Since I obviously wont be getting support from him and I'm in school so wont make any money until I finish school in 2009, I need to borrow money to live for the next 30 months. Going to work, with being out of the workforce for eight years, means a lifetime of servitude as a cashier of some sort where I will make $1000 a month and have to borrow anyway to survive.

My mom supported the idea - both literally and figuratively - by agreeing to finance me and mine for the next 30 months. It would be hard for both of us but we figured I would pay back once I started working and I might ask my BIL for help. He makes bushels of money and lets face it - its his brother's fault we have this situation.


Then today she came up with a great idea!

We had been talking about my 401K and she thought it was a possiblity for finances for me. She called the IRS and was told indeed it could be. I called my 401K managing company and they confirmed. So I have almost $300,000 in there and I certainly dont need even a third of it to live. But we can have a good life with what I can get and I can minimize the taxes and penalties by being smart in managing it all. She and I are now thinking transfers to an IRA money market account.

So now I know, no matter what, I have money to live on. An added plus, I felt bad that I had all this education and work experience but couldnt support my own family, but now the fruits of that education and those labors is supporting me in my hour of need.


So kudos to Mom for thinking of it!

Piling It On

So I leave for school today feeling good. I had several good hours of study in the wee hours this morning and I also got several good hours of sleep.


On the way, I get a message from my lawyer.
Nuts-And-Bolts has a lawyer - again. My mom's theory is he sits and gets all fired up over time and when he wants to talk to someone he hires a lawyer. Every lawyer he has hired is fired within 24 hours. This lawyer cost $10,000 and its been put on a credit card. And the lawyer contacted her yesterday afternoon.

Communications from the lawyer are that he has been retained to help N-n-B clean up all his legal messes and help him get out of the loonie-bin. He says he is sending a copy of his medical records (!) to my lawyer - tho she has not asked for them. And that N-n-B really wants his passport back very badly.

Swing to this morning. N-n-B called her - exceedingly angry and agitated - and told her assistant that he does not have a lawyer - having fired his lawyer of the day before. He also told her we might think he is safe away from us all but that he can leave anytime he wants. Then he threatened to get back at me, the lawyer and the assistant. He demanded his passport saying he was leaving the country. He mentioned that he doesnt have to listen to the Order of Protection because it has expired. Since I changed both my and my son's cell phones and shut off the Vonage, he has no way to reach us via the phone. So dont know if he is violating it directly. However, my lawyer warned me to keep an eye out for him and 911 him the minute I see him.

My lawyer then got back to his lawyer to ask whats going on. He says that he was fired but that N-n-B "didnt really mean it." so he was going back to visit him today.


I called his social worker
and let her know he was threatening people and that the lawyer he had appeared to be exploiting him. I also let her know the papers she wanted should arrive today by noon. I asked her to call back but I dont expect to hear from her until Monday.

Construction

Putting the pieces together

Well, all kinds of information are flying about.

His social worker says he has a hearing next Wednesday and the doctor is going to try and certify him so he must stay in the hospital and get treatment. She says he is still highly manic but taking a med but not the meds he needs.


Lithium is keeping the temper steady now according to his brother but he is still bad and the BIL is worried.

He called my lawyer twice. He said he had quit his job (no way to check that), he expected me to get a job and pay him maintenance, he couldnt afford a lawyer so could he talk to her about that (guess he wants a free ride), he didnt like that I took over his hotel room and car, he wants his car back because he is "getting out soon", and a friend has arranged for him to go to Sri Lanka so he needed his passport and drivers' license.

He has relatives in Sri Lanka but my BIL is worried they'll die of shock when they experience him. And the BIL isnt exactly convinced he is going there. The former SO and current loonie (sorry! but he's given me too much trouble to be politically correct here) told him he was going there last week - the next morning in fact.

So nothing to do but wait for it to play out next Wednesday.


I dont know what to hope for.