Follicle Meltdown

Sing it!
"Hair strands keep falling from my head
but that doesnt mean ..."

I dont remember how I found it but I observed the existence of several quarter-size baldspots on my head.


A Fellow Sufferer

I saw a dermatologist and was diagnosed with Alopecia areata. One of the causes of this is stress. And I had stress in spades.

The book and the alopecia areata. The stress I could see my eldest going through. My own unhappiness when the S.O. was home. It all came together when I got the diagnosis.

The most amazing thing was when I told him how concerned I felt about how I'd look if this continued all over my head, his answer that his work life was stressful was like a power switch on how I cared about him. It was at that point that I just stopped caring about him - stopped loving him at all. Or maybe I just realized it at that point in time.

It no longer was an issue of how I was going to make this work.

It was an issue of how was I going to put an end to this with the least upheaval to myself and the kids.


We need one of these!

Traveling towards Waterloo

From the moment I read the first chapter of the "How To Survive..." book, I start to control my life again. I was so mired in the everyday living, I couldnt see how truly abusive he had become. It gave me permission to view depression as another illness - and given the extant to which it was affecting me and the kids, it was permission that was sorely needed.

Unfortunately, he goes from being Johnny-One-Note - let me tell you about my depression to Johnny-One-Note, let me tell you about my anxieties.

You see, things at work had shifted. He goes from being a top performer (and I mean TOP) to being a layoff casualty. 500 people - his entire division - are laid off on Good Friday. He does a great job of finding a new job and within two months is back at the same place working.

The job is entirely different. So, you take this self-absorbed man who has little self-confidence and no coping skills and is a professional victim. Add in a new job that requires different skills. Layer on anger at getting laid off and having to do this new job. And the result is the first of his job disasters.

He complains incessantly about his management - though he does admit the group and his manager are particularly nice people. He fights every assignment. Sometimes he simply refuses to do it the way they want it. He's late on many of them. But overall he is still doing a good job. His mgr starts to correct him - he has never been corrected in his life. He feels he is treated unfairly at rating time and is rated in the middle for the first time in 15 years.

He gets even more angry. And spends even more time talking to me about work and how bad it is. It becomes his new obsession. Every conversation begins and ends with work. I try to address each complaint with logic but he only will suddenly veer off and start another complaint. The kitchen is cluttered with his complaints. He does not want them addressed. He just wants to talk about them. Over and over again.

Then I am hit with something that will change the course of our marriage forever.


My Waterloo

That baby's got to go!

Overtime, we use various marriage counselors. He goes along and is more than willing to sit and talk. He is even willing to do assignments and activities. However, he does these things just long enough for me to think things are changing for the better, for me to lighten up at home. Then he changes back.

This goes on for years. We have two more children. The parts of these things associated with him are not happy memories. But lets not go there now. I quit work.

I find a wonderful book called

and it becomes the key to my future.

I tell him I no longer want his depression to be a sixth person in our family. He has to learn to cope with it silently and like one copes with diabetes or other lifelong health problems. And, since it doesnt really seem to affect anything except stop him from doing the things he doesnt want to do, I dont think it should be hard. Its a lifelong issue for him and he has to learn to cope with it on his own with the least effect on us.

I refuse to listen to any more about his depression. Actually, thats not exactly true. I do listen to it but I give him five min to say anything he wants. If he continues or tries any other time, I leave the room.

He is ABSOLUTELY INFURIATED. I cannot begin to tell you how angry he gets. Depression and work are how he defines himself. He tells me I should be asking him every morning how he feels depression-wise. He curses the author of the book and disagrees violently with the parts I read aloud to him. But the book is spot-on.


Its the beginning of the 1000-mile journey to getting my life back.

*** gregor chants heard here ***

Me

A major casualty of his medication is our sex life. (BTW, another sign of depression is loss of interest in sex and that did not happen either before the medication.) Loss of libido is a known side effect of most depression medications.

He knows that I have a high sex drive. We had a pretty good love life though the love was missing. All of a sudden, he cant keep up his end. And rather than work it out with me (and at least give me some), he just avoids me at bed-time. Every night, when I come into the bedroom, he's already "sleeping".

Over an 18-month period, we have sex three times. And he refuses to address this beyond trying to tweak his medication. Later, we go 30 months without anything.

I understand his impotence but I dont understand his lack of empathy for my loss and his not wanting to at least give me some satisfaction.

I move out of the room in 2002 and sleep with my younger kids. Ostensibly its so he can sleep better. But its because my sexual drive is such that I become very angry lying there next to his sleeping form at night and he now disgusts me.

I start to secretly ogle every man for suitability as a lover - though I'll never go that route. Its potentially too damaging for my kids.

But, some weeks during my cycle are pure hell.


My tastes are simple!

Downhill slide continues

How do I feel today?

Instead of everyday starting with the usual almost meditative assessment of physical well-being, my husband now begins each day with a short discussion about how depressed he feels. I am given detailed descriptions of how often he woke up at nite, how he couldnt go back to sleep, and how hard it was to wake up.


At first, I listen and sympathize.

He responds by becoming more and more self-absorbed and self-centered. It gets to the point where he no longer even tells us "good-night" but instead just disappears upstairs. He no longer kisses me good-bye when he leaves for work - just goes out the door. Our children do not interact with him because they learn that even if they stand in front of him and talk he doesnt respond. He looks at them but he doesnt ask any questions or input anything. He spends all his time thinking about work with breaks for dealing with his siblings and parents and friends from work.

Listening and sympathizing was a HUGE mistake.


He took the ball and ran with it!

Everyone! Please stay in your seats!

Okay! Everyone calm down! I know depression is very real. I know it affects "more people than you think."

But its simple logic. Depression is not measurable. Its about feelings. Just because depression is a real illness doesnt mean everyone who is diagnosed with it actually has it. Even I, a flaming optimist, can take the tests and walk the walk for a doctor. Especially if my coping skills are so poor and my self absorption so profound that I truly do believe everyone else is always happy.

The only time he claimed he had trouble motivating himself was he could not make himself get up and do the household chores. In fact, I was in there with his therapist when he told her that he just could not make himself get up and do the dishes as an example. The activities he claimed to have lost interest in were ones he had given up during his college years. He would regularly point out how he had done so much as a kid but when he hit college (this is when he claimed the depression started tho I never saw it in the first seven years we were married) he lost all interest in those hobbies. He was morose and self absorbed around us but around his family and friends he was fun and engaged.



He would sit around our house claiming depression but the minute I'd bring up eating out or going to a movie or going out, he'd engage and want to know times, etc He'd be ready. He'd start getting the kids moving if he felt we would be late getting out.

These are not the symptoms of a depressed person as these symptoms should apply to his entire life experiences - not just to those with a certain group of people.

His family did not agree with the diagnosis and neither did I. And since he was not truly depressed, nothing changed. (He claims now he has the kind of depression that does not respond to medication.)

His new hobby - he did develop one after diagnosis - was to trot out his depression for display. It became #1 on his Hit Parade of topics to talk about. He would tell me every morning how his depression was. He wanted to bring it out, talk about it, look at it, and experience it with others as fully as possible.

Meet The Depression

Playing Freud

The man feels he has every right to not do the things he doesnt want to. He uses illness to get attention. Someone else always does his dirty jobs. He has learned that agreeing to change does not mean one changes. It just means the conflict has ended. Work is his passion.

He is obsessed with work. Vacations even are interrupted so he can go help someone unrelated to his own work. He takes phone calls at all hours and in all places. We no longer do anything together. He ignores my family when we are all together - choosing to sleep in an unoccupied room or read the paper or stand silently waiting for the time to leave. I am struggling to keep the house up - both cleaning and repair - while working full time at the identical job he has. He is morose and uncommunicative around us (me and the kids.) He starts sitting through meals at home and away without speaking to us. He starts walking behind us instead of with us. He only speaks about things that directly affect him.

But its important to note that he is cheerful and fun with his family. His family's parties show a very different man - the same man I married. Fun. Nice. Supportive. Interested and interesting. The minute a request for help comes in from his siblings or friends, he schedules it and is out there fixing things up. So these things are isolated and with us only.

Time passes. He still plays the "how am I feeling this morning" game. I am demanding more and more that he 1) work on our marriage and 2) do his share. The MIL is gone - she lives with us 4 mos of the year in her own locked from our house addition. But our marriage is a shambles. ...

What to do? How to continue doing whatever he pleases yet still answer my demands?



The answer he comes up with is ingenuous.
The answer is DEPRESSION.***

Please note: I know depression is a very real, serious mental illness that adversely affects too many people in the world. I am referring to my experience with it with my husband only.

Adding to the equation

For five years, we have had a very good marriage. I truly feel he is the best thing to happen to me. He is loving and attentive. He does his share. We enjoy our time together and hold much the same values. I look out for him and take care of him. He looks out for me and takes care of me. We are each the priority of the other's life.

Then the MIL and FIL move in with us due to some legal circumstances.


My MIL arrives

At first I think - our marriage is good. We can handle this. His sister promises to split the time with them.


Yeah, right!

It is a disaster in our marriage of epic proportion.

Mummy takes over immediately. House is rearranged. My husband and my conflicts are interfered with. My drawers and my room are regularly visited and checked through - for who knows what but checked through nevertheless. She is rude to me. She is mean to me.

I work on the assumption that if this person understands what we expect, she'll do it. But she does understand. She just doesnt care. My husband and I work together on the problem. But he HATES confict. He will confront her but will never escalate. She just continues to do whatever she wants.

Our relationship morphs into a prickly, unpleasant, constant hum of aggravation, and fights.


Us

Slowly, he stops showing any affection for me. Xmas and holidays are unmitigated disasters as he stops putting any efforts into things that are for me. He becomes self-absorbed and his work engrosses him. I can be in the middle of telling him something and he'll get up and leave the room. Every decision is questioned repeatedly. The birth of our oldest child holds little of happy shared times with him and he has very little interaction with him. He doesnt want to do anything together. All conversations begin and end with him. He refuses to do any of his responsbilities - be they doing work at home, repairs at home, work on our relationship, interact with my family, interact with his children.

And, it becomes obvious to everyone but me that he has stopped loving me.

Sub Structure

One has to know several things to understand my husband and his needs.

#1: He is his mom's obsession. She told me a few years ago "Once he was born, nothing else has ever mattered. All I care about is him." She has two children after him, a husband, ten grandchildren and various and sundry relatives (no friends).



Example. He and his brother have birthdays two weeks apart. At a family weekend party that was between the two, she baked and served a cake only for him. I saw his brother's face and when I mentioned it to him, he said that it was okay but obviously hurt his feelings.

#2: He comes from a household with servants. Until he was 25, he never washed his clothes, or washed a floor. Never made a meal or shopped for groceries. In short, never did any work. His first job was when he was 23.

When I stopped by his apartment (shared with two other grad students) while dating, I was appalled to see cockroaches, filthy bathroom, and absolute cartoon wreck of a kitchen. I chalked it up to three students living together but I knew I would never have my apartment in that state.

#3: He is a perpetual victim. Every problem is of biblical scale. Everyone is always treating him badly. Complaining is a hobby for him and his mom.

The results:

1. He has zero problem coping skills.
2. He is self absorbed and selfish even when it comes to his kids.
3. He will not play his role as husband and householder.
4. He thinks he is the only person who doesnt want to do the mundane chores of life. That the rest of us leap up out of sheer joy to wash toilets and cut the grass.

These are conclusions he has shared with me from his therapists, or I was present at the therapy session when he agreed these were true.

Checklist

My husband

The first decade or so of our marriage, my husband would wake up every morning and do a mental check of himself at the breakfast table.

How was he feeling? Sick at all? Tired? Sleep okay? Morning check completed, he would announce his stomache bothered him or he had a sore leg or the nebulous and famous "I think I'm getting something." The results were varied as the diseases of the body.

I used to tease him that he and his family were on a perpetual search to have something wrong with them. Something that was not too painful but something with a name to it that they could bring out and look at periodically.

It took him eight years, but he found it! <- teaser

"Imminent Financial Disaster!: Final Chapter"

My Mother

Last week, Mother pointed out to me that its a game he plays and that I need to refuse to play it. Unless I'm enjoying it. Which I manifestly am not.

She promised to help me financially if he gets the axe - so I can stop worrying about it - and we both agreed that sometimes the worst you anticipate is really not as horrible as you thought. I've had it hard before, I come from good, hard-working stock, and I can manage.

And she suggested I just turn it back on him and not engage in the conversation. So, the next time he tells me he's going to lose his job, she suggested I respond by saying "I'm sure you'll find something and be able to keep meeting your responsibilities." Then I have to walk away from it and let the chips fall where they may (meaning I do NOT get involved with his job hunt or his plan. I have to just let it go and cope when the time comes. This has happened once before - four years ago - and we managed.)

So this week when he tried a variation of the game - I told him I had read about the earnings and wasnt everyone at work relieved, he immediately cut to the scenario that he was going to get a lousy rating this time too and that meant he'd get demoted. No comment on the excellent earnings. My response: I simply said I was sure he'd manage whatever happened. He responded that because he had "responsibilities" he had to just accept it. My response was to point out his statement about the fact it was his responsibility was like saying we have ice in winter. He asked for clarification and I just said that of course it was his responsibility and I left the room. End of conversation. Next time I wont even go that far. So ...

Game, set, match!

And, Mother was proud!

Who wants to play "Imminent Financial Disaster!"?

My husband, who likes to think he is forthright and up front, has a set of games he likes to play against me. I, who actually am forthright and up front (this secret blog is a notable exception), used to get caught in these all the time. I think they provide him with a combination of attention and control. It took me 20 years to figure this out.

One of his favorite and most frequently used games is the one I call "Imminent Financial Disaster!"

This game is long-lasting and usually plays over a few days.

To play you need him and me as players. The set-up is we've just made or are about to make some financial commitment (as small as $100 to open the pool to $15000 to buy a new car) or I've appeared a little too independent of him lately. We can play anywhere in the house but his favorite spot for this is the kitchen. Its played in three parts.

Part 1: He comes home even more silent and crabby than usual from work. This lasts for one evening.

Part 2: He comes home and blurts out that he was so crabby the other day because he heard there are going to be "cuts" at work. He will site various sources - mostly rumors - but last time it was an overheard meeting where the big bosses were bewailing lousy financials for the second quarter. He announces it will be around November and he'll get cut for sure because his rating last year was bad. He talks about how this was not his fault.

Being a to-the-bone problem solver, I immediately try to get a grasp of the problem. And I ask him what his plan is for finding a new job. This is always met by some frou-frou frothy "no-plan but want to look like I'm thinking of one" answer.

So, in Part 2, he derives great satisfaction out of having my undivided attention, of being in control as he commands the job-hunt situation and seeing my fear as I contemplate life without a paycheck when trying to finish up school so I can shake him off of me. (Though he is only vaguely aware of this last part.)

Part 3: He'll talk about this for several days. The game ends when I become too pressing about actually looking for a new job. Or, in the last case, when the company he works for announced record earnings for the quarter. Then it requires too much energy to keep going.

Capital Trip!

I am taking my two youngest on an overnight to see our fair state capital. I figured we would see the sights, eat at a good place and head for the hotel pool before going to bed.

Right away, my s.o. decided he was going to take a day off and go with us.

Egads! Just what I wanted *sarcastically*. Someone along who has to be pampered, follows us around at 20 paces, doesnt like to walk places, doesnt like the heat, has to eat at a certain place or pouts, has little interaction with the kids in the pool, and goes to bed hours before we do and demands the four of us "be quiet" in the hotel room so he could sleep.

I did get him out of the idea. My oldest didnt want to go plus works so someone has to stay home and hold down the fort with a teenager.

Phew! That was close!

The WaterSkier

Up and down the streets of San Francisco. Through the burroughs of New York City. Along the Golden Mile in Chicago. Name just about any vacation spot we've been to - Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Virginia Beach, Williamsburg, London, Paris, Edinborough, Baltimore, Philly, Boston. (We've been so many wonderful places!)

My kids and I navigate the city streets while my husband bobs at the tail end of our wake. The conversation ranges wildly. He has no idea what we are talking and laughing about. Its so much fun to be together. We enjoy ourselves.

I guess he does too.




But its worse when he decides to join us. I have to continually be aware of him and try to work him into the conversations. Bring him up to speed at a regular rate on what we are actually talking about. Its like having a guest that you must keep in the loop due to courtesy.

In therapy, I asked him why he doesnt walk with us. His answer: he couldnt keep up with us because we walked too fast.

Our youngest was 5. He was 48.

I used to stop and wait for him to catch up. Or wave him up even with us so he can join our conversations. But the result was always the same - he had very meagre interest and his line would slowly feed out and he'd be behind us again.

The advantage to this is I do not have to hear the complaints - the walk is too far (but not too far for the kids - 2 of which are under 10), its too hot, its too humid, we should have done this another time, we should have gone to another place. But I never hear the one I now long to hear:

We should have left him at home.

GOOD MORNING!

** sitting at the PC looking up something for school **

** husband walks into kitchen upon waking up **

Husband: Why were you going in and out of the house all morning?

Me: Huh? ** vaguely. swimming up from the internet stream ** We werent, were we?

Husband: *very snotty* So what's your problem this morning?

Devia

I hate the weekends. I hate the little games of interacting that we've developed. But I'm hostage, temporarily, to my need for his salary and the health insurance it brings us.

I suspect he dislikes me as much as I dislike him. Albeit for different reasons. I hate his self-absorption and his total lack of interest in anything outside his narrow world. He hates that I demand responsibility from him.

He made the mistake years ago of forcing me, by his inaction and total lack of interest, to take over everything. It took a while but I finally came to the point where I didnt need him - except for his salary. Four marriage therapists and fifteen years of therapy later and he hasnt changed. A few years back when I got sick from the stress he lay on me, I realized I didnt like him anymore.

Now, I dont want him anymore.

Garrio

My kitchen floor is aslop with empty syllables. I babble in response to my husband's automatic question delivered everyday in the same way - "How was your day?" I realized yesterday this is my response to living with someone who has no interest in me beyond the act of asking me to recite what I've done over the day. I answer by opening my mouth and letting the loneliness spill out in thick consonants and vowels.

I cannot help my need for intimacy. And it doesnt inconvenience him or bore him because he is not listening anyway. I have tested him many times. In the middle of a discourse, I'll stop.

And the silence is deafening.