We are family!
My husband's approach to my family was at first very friendly and he was greatly liked, loved and valued. But once he and I started having trouble over his mom living with us, he changed. He stopped being part of our family unit and instead, just was with us physically. No longer part of the conversation, he took to sitting by himself in the front room. Sometimes he would read the paper. Other times, he would just go to sleep.
As my house deteriorated, he isolated himself from my family and they could see he was putting all the load of raising children and keeping up the house on me, Mother and Father started to dislike him. He felt that and he disliked them even more back.
So now, 20+ yrs after we have been married, he spends family parties sitting in a chair, by himself. He makes no effort to talk to anyone. He says hi when he comes in, makes small talk, gets to his chair and sits there until someone comes up to talk to him or its time to get food. He makes no effort to be social at all.
The last family party was very illustrious. It was a big party of more than 60 people for my nephew's graduation. He greeted Mother, my brother and SIL and proceeded to spend the next three hours sitting at a table staring at the floor. He only got up to eat and made no effort to communicate with anyone. Actually, it was pretty embarressing. The weekend after that he did the same thing at Brother #1's graduation party for his son. He has no trouble sitting at a totally empty table alone while everyone else is mixing and visiting and just staring into space. That party was particularly memorable because of the puss on his face. That was Day 2 of the Big Car Debate and he was letting everyone know that he was unhappy.
My Quandary
Brother is having a surprise bday party for the SIL at their house. Kids arent invited. 70 people are expected. I am tired of having him sit at parties in a chair making everyone who knows him feel like they have to talk to him because he is alone. And all conversations are about either his illnesses or his work. (But what else do you talk about to someone who has no interests besides those things?) And I'm ashamed to be associated with him.
I dont want him to go. I've been thinking of all angles to approaching this. One is to just tell him I dont want him to go and why. I've brought up his behavior with my family many times. He just ignores the requests that he interact more. Another is to lie and tell him its for women only. But I hate to lie. The third is not to tell him about it until the last minute, let him know he has to babysit the kids, and tell him I assumed he wouldnt be going because this work project is taking all of his time. Literally, taking all of his time.
I'll probably go with the third.
