Thanksgiving Turkey

It wasnt your Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.

Though my mom put in tons of work as did I once I got there. It started out with him telling me that he was going to drive to my mom's using our son's car and I was not to say a word against it. Then he picked and picked at us all the way there. While at my mom's he got aggressive and obnoxious. He demanded she give him her high school era typewriter. I dont even know why. He fought with her about doing business in Italy. He would chase me down occasionally to complain about how she corrected the kids. He moved the oldest into a separate room to tell him he has to give his uncle any money he makes replacing car parts and selling them on ebay from the car his uncle gave him. Among other things. He drove onto her front lawn because he was unable to back out of her driveway correctly. He almost hit her neighbors stone wall and only missed it because my mom ran up and stood there so he had to stop or hit her. He fought with us the first 20 min home until the girls were crying in the back seat.

Overall it sucked and I decided he has to go asap.

Calm Seas

and fooling oneself.

I finally told him last week, after another 60 min lecture on some illogical topic and another attack on the eldest, that I'm done. That I want a divorce but I would like to stick together as long as possible in order to make it easier financially.

He was somewhat surprised. His immediate reaction was that he still felt we could work it out (how? the very definition of insanity is contained by his actions. Keep doing something the same way over and over but expect a different outcome.) I told him I see no hope. Then he suggested that a separation might be helpful. I told him I want chances to meet someone else and having a separated husband in the background is not conducive to that. Then he thought we might fall in love again and remarry.

Let him have his fantasies. Why I would remarry someone who has had sex with me four times in four years, shows no physical interest in me whatsoever, has only two interests - his illnesses and his work, never does anything - I refuse to have an old age where he waits here at home with his walker and his nurse while I go out on Elderhostel trips - and does not care enough about the kids to be involved with them?
Its illogical. Thats not even counting the times when I have to listen to his lectures because he controls nothing here and has rendered himself unimportant.

Well, he seems to have subliminated it and the other day when I was mentioning a future where we were not together, he wanted to know what I was talking about. So looks like it has gone in one ear and out the other.

I will grant him that he is having a particularly tough time at work. Tough even for someone who constantly complains no matter what the situation. He is starting to look for a job - hope he gets one soon.

So nothing to do now but just sit it out. Tho I do not think I'll attend any more of his family things. I've had enough of them too.

Brace yourself!

Well, with school and kids, I have been remiss in posting.

Things have become very bad here. We couldnt even speak without sniping. My little ones had started having nightmares at nite. So I just started ignoring him. He still talks to me when I'm singing, whatever - telling me how I once made him late to his brother's for dinner because I was in the tail end of the process of buying a car, or how I ruined his career because I wouldnt move - but the nightmares have stopped.

I found "Divorce for Dummies" so now I am scheduling myself to separate in June after my oldest graduates. Its the only thing keeping me going. Bank of Mom, after witnessing what is going on here, has agreed to help me out until I get done with school in 3 years.

He is playing the Imminent Financial Disaster Game as of last night. Tho this time, I think its true. We'll see. He says by Friday or not at all. I handled it very cool.

My oldest told me he cant wait to leave for college (I dont blame him) but he feels bad for us that we are left here with HIM. However, I pointed out my plan - that none of us will be left with HIM really since I am going to separate and file for divorce in the summer. Its a great comfort to me.

An Important Lesson

I learned an important lesson on our vacation last week. I learned that I really do not need to answer everything he says. Meaning, when he tells me something aggravating, I dont have to correct him or tell him back in kind.

Not having to respond and not trying to include him made this my easiest vacation ever.

This vacation was very nice - but he has not changed a bit. He still walked 20 feet behind us. He still didnt come down to the pool. Or go out with us at night. He rarely knew what we were talking about. But he did get angry. Apparently, we have to have eyes in the back of our heads so that when he wants to see something while walking 20 feet behind us, we have to know that and stop moving along. He was quite angry, actually.

So disassociation helps to deal with him. Though I knew that from home. But that was an important lesson.

Family Party

We went to his brother's house yesterday for a party. It was pretty good since only the siblings and an aunt from out of town (the reason for the party) were there. I had a long talk with his SIL about the situation at home. She kept interrupting me to tell me how bad it was to live with the MIL - as if I didnt know that. I wasnt sure if that was just self-absorption under her current situation of living with the MIL or if she didnt want to hear what I had to say. I decided it was the first since I persisted and she became involved in my story.

She was very supportive. She couldnt believe what he said about our youngest. It hurts me even to think about it but I cant stand the thought of everyone believing this big facade he wears - Mr Nice Guy - she even told me in the beginning that staying with him wouldnt be too bad because he is a kind person. I had to enlighten her on that.

I dont know what I had hoped to gain by telling her except its a relief not to have to pretend. I wouldnt respond anymore to his pretense of caring that he pulls at parties - here, have some of this food, and other little things - a thousand words more than he ever says at home to me. Or the kids.

Hairy situation

Yesterday my eldest went to Homecoming with his girlfriend.As usual, his father was totally uninvolved. When my eldest came home with his girlfriend so I could take pics, he took fifteen min to come into the room to greet her. And, when he finally did, he was wearing only shorts.


Picture this without a shirt on.

His fat hairy chest and man-boobs preceeding him. No pride at all. He said it was okay because last time she came here our son said it was fine to greet her without a shirt on.

It was disgusting.

I had to tell him not to do that in the future. I've known his brother for 20 years and I have yet to see him without a shirt on. Unless you are at the beach or pool, there is no reason for that. Its disrespectful.

Advice

I had lunch yesterday with my friend to discuss her ideas as to my predicament.

One piece of advice was the same as Mother's: stay together as long as you can take it or until you can graduate.

Her suggested strategy was I view him as a housemate. We dont sleep together or have any life together outside of forced visits to his family when it comes up - which fortunately isnt often. So instead of viewing it as "hanging in there", she said view it as a necessary arrangement I've made to keep my house and finances together for the sake of the kids. It actually seems the same - except he doesnt have any responsiblities at home like a housemate probably would.


So I'm going to combine that with Mother's advice that I just act however I feel.

If I want to be friendly, I am. If I dont care, I dont care. And, yesterday, I avoided a trap - he was heavily engaged in conversation with someone about ratings. I was going to ask him afterwards what it meant to him but decided not to. I cant control it and I just have to sit back and go wherever it takes me. No use making myself aggravated by wasting an entire afternoon listening to him for two hours whine and moan and observe how unfair ratings are.


I'm learning!

Stupid!

Squander not time for that is the stuff life is made of.

He LOVES to talk about the state of our marriage. I have learned to avoid these conversations but was inadvertantly sucked up in one on Sunday. He wasted TWO hours of my time. He brought up the car again and how we wont move closer to his work and how I wouldnt move when he wanted to go to various and sundry jobs out-of-state and how he has "his reasons" for not talking to anyone at family parties. And how he thought I would learn to live with his parents peacefully when he ignored my demand they leave even though we had spent two years trying to learn to live with his parents peacefully and 16 years later we still cant live with them peacefully.

Amazing

Both that I got sucked up into it
and
that he feels this way.

And he thinks that acknowledging that he was entirely at fault in the ruin of our marriage means that we move on from here.

Still amazing me

Sunday, he moved our oldest's car out to the street because it was blocking him. An hour later, I went upstairs and saw cars going around it - he had parked it in the middle of the lane roughly three feet from the curb. I had to run out and move it before we got a ticket.

I'm amazed, after all these years, he still can find new outrageous things to do.

Thick or ???

I asked him yesterday morning when he gets rated. Yesterday afternoon, while I was preparing dinner (he came home early), he wanted to know why I wanted to know about the time he gets rated. I told him I just wanted to know since it seemed it was done in August/September other times. He pointed out I was never interested in that before. Which is true. And he is not as out of it as he seems.

He must realize that things are not going to get better. No one is that thick. I cant understand why he doesnt end it himself.


Mother thinks he is content to stay this way because it doesnt require anything of him. But she thinks he will be much happier once we cut the cord.

**** long sigh ****

I've decided to wait until he gets rated at work. This way he'll have a month or so to act up and not have it affect us too much. I'll just have to wait. I have more than myself to consider.


I'll see to this in November.

Aaaaarrrrrgh!

I've had it! I can no longer bear living this lie. I want to be free to have a new relationship. I'm sick of being almost 50 yrs old and sleeping with my two kids. (He wont even trade beds with me tho the girls are getting rather large for us all to fit in a full size bed.) I'm tired of being alone all the time. There is no loneliness like being with someone and still being alone. I want things settled. I dont want to deal with his temper tantrums and interference. I'm tired of talking about the future in the abstract. I want a relationship where the other person actually likes me, is happy to see me and wants to be with me. I'm anxious to move on and try my luck elsewhere. And being alone is better than this.

Its time to take action. I can not last two more years. And I've had a recent change of heart re: my schooling and now we might be looking at three years. I simply cannot do it. I made an appt with his/my therapist to see how to best handle this.

Entering the waters

I saw a friend yesterday who has recently gone through a divorce. Her immediate advice:

Try to stick it out until you are done with school.

I am going to call her to get together next week to see how I should handle this. She told me she made tons of mistakes and didnt plan well. One thing I know. She is always struggling financially. She told me "Prepare to be poor."

I think her ex makes the same as mine. Probably a little less. But he plays a lot of games with the money. I dont think mine is the type to hold back checks, etc. - he's more the type to get automatic withdrawal. But we'll see.

I told my oldest I'm done. He also advised me to finish up school. He said I've waited so long, why not wait another two years?

Had it!

At the end of it!

I decided I just cannot live this way, no matter what the benefits. And, legally, I can keep enough of the benefits coming - my only benefits in this relationship are financial - until I finish up my two years.

First, I cant live with someone who can say that about our youngest. Second, MI really opened my eyes. I was able to observe all sorts of caring relationships between husbands/wives, and boyfriends/girlfriends. I got to have, in my face, the fact that I am unloved and unable to find another because of my current tie.

I called his/my therapist and am meeting with her in a little more than a week to discuss how to best proceed.

Vente Mens

I have to use my mental powers to transcend his existence.

MI

was a blast! I got a full taste of how good life is when I do not have to interact with the S.O. for a couple of days consecutively. I didnt return his two phone calls - one about the IPOD and one to touch base. Told him I didnt have coverage. We swam and boated and hiked. Played with the dogs. Road golf carts and drove scooters. Ate out. Just had a wonderful time with my family.


How sweet it is!

Never Again

I thought that being involved in my school would help me to make it through whats left of the two years. In fact, I have even less than that because I can tell him to leave the summer before I work (assuming I have a contract to teach.) So, in reality, we are talking, say, 21 or even 20 months. I thought it would be easy. I never expected yesterday to happen. I quite upset me though I didnt show him.

From now on, if he is still home when I'm home for the afternoon, I'll just zip on by, buy my lunch somewhere, and head to the library. If I must, I'll stop by and pick up some of my school books and leave right away. Lunch at home and a short movie is not worth getting upset and getting crabby with my kids and having a huge headache. I let his actions ruin my Friday and there is no reason to do that.

Looking to Lunch

I had to enter this before I leave for MI. Kids are all asnooze. I have some work to do but am going to get this in before I get started on the day.

I love Fridays. I have one class and nothing else. I can come home, have a nice lunch, watch 30 min of a movie and have a leisurely tea and dessert before starting my studying. Yesterday, I came home and to my horror his car was still in the driveway.

Well, I figured if he had died overnite I would have a great deal of difficulty keeping up with next week's classes. And if he had a massive stroke I would have to check on him in the hospital. Another inconvenience.

Instead, he was sitting at the table, working when I walked in. Minor relief on my part. He told me he had eaten a late breakfast - the smell of toast was in the air. So I proceeded to make my lunch and head into the front room to watch "Sudden Fear".

Five minutes into my sacred time, he enters the front room and sits down in a chair. He starts to talk to me AGAIN about how when you try too hard, and it dont work out, things are just not meant to work out. Because of the examples he brought up (one of which absolutely infuriated me), I knew he wasnt talking about our marriage. Which is too bad as it is my belief that if he ends it, he will not quit his job which is the only reason I'm still here. He tells me how no matter what job he works at it just doesnt work out. I reminded him I've heard this a thousand times. He tells me how everything is not working out - our marriage, his work, his relationship with the kids, and then launches into an example that infuriated me. He told me that our struggle to have kids after the first due to secondary infertility was another bust because our youngest had a stroke in utero and is a very mild hemiplegiac. Now, very mild means she plays soccer, can swim, is in the top of her class cognitively, and has to do regular therapy. In other words, no problem except therapy takes any time and none of it takes his time.

Anyway, he tried to tie this to "someone is trying to tell me something." Tho what they would be trying to tell him is beyond me since its his entire life. I told him I think the issue is not whether someone is trying to tell him something but rather since all areas of his life are in failure mode, he, himself, is a problem.


So he ignores this and tells me we couldnt afford it if he changes jobs. I, being what I am but controlling my "get involved" instincts and thinking that if this is satisfactory I might end up playing another version of "Imminent Financial Disaster", told him that he should look at the budget, figure out what we need (since its already done but not totalled for essentials, and decide how low a job he could take. It goes from there. But I refuse to get involved - tho I was considerate and shut off the tv at the beginning.

He starts to rant about how I should know that figure, how he is sure many essentials are missing from the budget, etc. I remind him I sent him the budget via email three months ago - he did try to say he has been working 18 hr days for the past month but it was THREE months ago. That we went through the budget for one month and missed one month and everythign seemed to be there. He got up and stalked off telling me that we simply cant communicate.

So then he is sitting in the family room and I am explaining to him about how the budget has all the essentials, how I know, etc. He doesnt look up from his phone. So I ask him if he is listening. He said he is ignoring me. Amazing. I have never done that.

Cant Wait!

This is my last blog entry until next week. We (the girls and I) are heading out to MI with Mother and YB's family for three days and two nites of fun in the sun at YB's cottage.

No housework. No responsiblity for feeding my horde. Fun with people I both love and like. Get to miss a party with the worst of the bores in his family on Saturday. And best of all..

No SO!


Who could ask for more?

School Days

We had Curriculum Night yesterday for our middle child.
He was miffed I didnt tell him about it. Actually, I didnt even think to tell him since he has been totally involved with work. So I told him about the youngest's Curriculum Night which is next week. He was going to go except he had to feel free to take phone calls from work and leave to shout at people over the phone out in the school playground. Well, since that means he potentially will miss the information (not to mention shaming us with his public behavior of not caring where he is when work calls) he had to admit he cant go.

And since this would have applied to last nite's meeting, it didnt matter whether he knew about it or not.

Working for a livin'

Seems like my husband has only one or two things to talk to me about. Whenever he sees me and decides to engage me in conversation, its about work. And its not about good things at work - I am not privy to those things though I do discover them once in a while. It falls into a couple of catagories: how corporate America is screwed up, how his mgt is screwed up, how the newest product is screwed up, how his peers are users or backstabbers, how his bosses dont like him.

Yesterday I got to hear, again, how his boss doesnt like him and neither does his boss' boss. How they think he doesnt work well under pressure. I pointed out that his habit of yelling (literally) at people over the phone is probably one reason why they feel that way.


He agreed but defended the practice. Go tell!

Fun

With school back in session and five classes on my plate, my updates to this blog will be every few days instead of every day. I use it as a therapy anyway and with both of us so busy I will need it less.

I am looking forward to heading out to MI with Youngest Brother's (YB) family on Saturday morning. Mother will be joining us. The ol' ball-and-chain will be staying here - we go every year but he doesnt join us. He hates being outside and I hate having him there. Having him there, I have to be aware of how he is behaving, is he entertained, when we are eating, he interferes with the kids - he went once and that was the last time I am willing to take him - everything has to be planned around him. So I tell him its women-only - and since Oldest Child has to be here to work, it works out very well. This year, if he asked, I would tell him I just dont want him there as he requires too much heavy maintenance.

Today he is whining to me about how something is telling him he doesnt belong in corporate America. He has been expressing this sentiment for twenty years. I told him that and he got miffed and left the room. LOL.

Then he wanted me to tell him where his shirts are. He washes his own clothes so how would I know?

Less than two years to go!

Surprise!

The party was great!

She was surprised and very happy. Youngest Brother did GREAT job of planning and implementing. All had a great time. I came home at midnite.

Was wonderfully fun!

The coward dies a thousand deaths

I took the coward's way out.
I sent him email telling him - since we dont get to talk much - that there was a party, that I had told them he couldnt make it due to work and that even though work had cleared up he needed to be here to babysit since I had not made other arrangements. I added that I was sure this was okay with him since he didnt enjoy my family parties.

Well, I checked my email periodically but no response. When he got home, I asked him about the flight info for our vacation in Oct (I sent that at the same time.) He had seen that one. But then I asked if he got the party one.

"No. Saw it but didnt read it."

So much for that. I just repeated what was in the email. He said he would want to "wish her" as they say in his family. But he agreed he doesnt enjoy those parties.

I did tell him I was glad he couldnt come. He asked why (of course - or maybe not "of course".) I told him because he spends all the parties just sitting in one place, staring at the floor or chair, until someone comes up and talks to him out of pure pity. He didnt respond.

If he has time to think about it, I'm sure something will come up this morning about it.

Clarifying with the therapist

I sent his therapist a short note today.

In our meeting, she kept getting confused and thinking these things I was telling her about had started happening after the 3-yr ultimatum. In fact, they started fifteen years before that. (I'm ashamed to admit I put up with this but most of it was gradual and I was always solving the wrong problem.) So I sent her a note reminding her of when this all started.


I sent her an article from a guy with a real life DuPree who asked for some "Dear Abby" type help. I felt it had helped me summarize what I felt happened with the ILs moving in.

And I sent the great Emerson quote.

Its my party and I'll ...

Well, tomorrow is my SIL's surprise bday party. I am looking forward to going. I am NOT looking forward to telling him about it. His work slowed down somewhat. Actually, I'm just going to handle it like when little kids first start asking where babies come from. I'm going to tell him as little as possible. First, I'll tell him there is a party and he is not expected to go. That I told my brother he cant make it due to work. Second, if he pushes to go, I'll tell him I'd prefer if he doesnt. If he asks why, I'll tell him because he doesnt join in or socialize and obviously doesnt enjoy my family parties so no reason for him to go.

Maybe, with some luck, he will have revenge by telling me I cant go to his family parties.


PLEASE, Lord!

Briefly

"What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what you say."
--- Ralph Waldo Emerson

His therapist told me yesterday that he told her he loves me and she must believe what he says. When I was venting to her, she kept thinking these were incidents that happened after I gave him his three year ultimatum. I had to keep pointing out to her that he started acting this way when his folks started to present a problem and it kept getting worse and worse from there.

So he can give me his little crumbs - like he did today by deigning to listen to me when I was talking to him about Pluto being downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet - all they do is temporarily lift the pressure.

Now what do you think of that?

I saw his therapist today. I like her - seen her before and other members of my family use her.


Venting felt good!

She said overall it sounds about as bad as it can get between us. She also said he has tons of personal problems to work - tell me about it! She wanted to know if I thought it could be worked, what I wanted, and what my plans were.

We agreed the basic problem is that despite his saying he cares about me, he never shows any signs of it and hasnt for almost 20 years. I feel foolish to have hung around so long but I was always working the wrong problem.


My basic plan is to hold out for two more years if I can.

The only way this can work, since it is over for me, is if he uses the two years to change and win me back. I'm not going to work it though I will not block him either. He'll have to start at ground zero since I dont even want to hold his hand. We need to work on getting along.

She mentioned its a shame to have to stay together for financial reasons. Which it is. But its better than trying to scrape together 900 bucks for Cobra, etc. And she agreed that he is the type to quit his job. I asked her not to share the two years limit with him.

First day of school

He comes in from work and heads to the dinner table. He puts down his stuff and immediately logs into his laptop. After fifteen minutes, he asks me how my class was. I tell him but I can see he immedately stopped listening to me.


Then he asked the girls while still reading the laptop and doing something to his cell phone, "So how was your first day of school?"

The answers were the same: "Okay."

Nothing else. Now I ask you, isnt that sad? Isnt it sad that a 2nd and 4th grader have a single word answer to that question after the first day of school?

Whats even sadder is he was satisfied with it.

They talked to me about it from the minute I saw them in the school playground. And on the way home. Then each of them sat with me for 30 min and told me what happened at school. Then other little tidbits came up during the evening.

He has no idea what he is missing!

Boo hoo hoo!

School starts today for me and my kiddies. I love having the free time with my kids.


I am devastated to see my summer end.

Back to normal

I ironed his shirt. I made his tea. No thanks. Once in a while, he thanks me but I'm used to him not thanking me. But I'll do whatever it takes to get him out of here and away from me and the kids as early as possible.

This morning I even listened with a look of interest to his boring stories about the terrible things going wrong at work. Got to keep this guy going to work.

Then I made my fatal error.

I asked him if the clothes on his shelf were dirty. I was going to wash them for him. He bit my head off telling me he didnt have time for my question. Was quite painful!

Then I lost my temper and said bad things. But nothing new. LOL. Now we are at a peacable distance and will of course be recovered by the time he gets home.

Rolling it up

Today I devoted an hour to writing up what I thought about this so I could be organized when I met with his therapist. I am meeting her on Wednesday.


I summarize it thusly:

I see no indication or sign that he currently loves me or even likes me. He seeks neither time nor converse with me. Sometimes he is indifferent. Most times he expresses irritability. It is rare but times do occur when we actually enjoy each other's company. This is never for more than five minutes. He is not interested in me or the kids. He keeps secrets when it comes to his family.

His happiness and that of his family take precedence. And he gets 99% of his satisfaction outside of our family unit. There is no way I can see of making this work.

This ended 17 years ago.

Happy Together

These are good days, actually. He is too preoccupied to bother me much. I cant expect him to be interested in us too much. So we just go around doing our daily living.


I even make his lunch for him.

That time of year ...

The two younger kiddies had "Open House" today at school.

They were so excited - esp the youngest. She still sees school as fun.

We met the youngest's teacher - she seems very nice and I have heard good things about her. She has been friendly to us in the past and she didnt even know us. The middle child's teacher did not show up which is typical of the older grades.

All right!

Yesterday I had my hair cut. It was a prime time to practice my new STOP and START resolutions. I did very well! When she asked me how everything was going, I said it was going okay. And when she specifically asked how it was going with the SO, I told her it was okay and then changed the subject to my being excited about getting back to school in a week.


Kudos to me!

Co-Dependency

I have been thinking - a dangerous occupation.


My husband is addicted to himself. Meaning, only his interests are of any importance. They automatically take precedence.

Take now for example. He is involved with this project. He never asks anyone whats going on in their lives. When I came down this morning, he (typically) immediately launched into a story about his job. He doesnt really "care" -meaning he has no feelings of empathy with me or the kids. He really is tied in only to his own emotional base.


He is very clever and manipulative.

He always has his needs at the front of his brain so when he senses I'm fed up, he quickly tries to placate me and does so until the crisis has passed. Then he goes back.

I'm tired of analyzing this. I have put up with it because something inside me must be codependent on trying to make things work, trying to make him happy, and always thinking the good, kind behavior I get from him is going to be long lasting.

I have to finish this. My kids are going to become this way too.

I hereby resolve to ...

stop ...

-------> answering the question "How is everything going? How are things going with your S.O. and you?" with "** whiney tone ** Wahhh. Wahhh. Not very good. Things havent changed. I'm just hanging in there."

-------> working like a crazy woman to get the kids to be quiet when he should be upstairs working during the day. The area has been cleaned and the wiring set up and there is no earthly reason for him to be down here demanding what he does of us.

start ...

-------> answering the question "How is everything going? How are things going with your S.O. and you?" with a hearty "Fine. But its too boring to talk about. What's going on with you?"

-------> telling him to set up in the spare room on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Do I need this?

We are family!

My husband's approach to my family was at first very friendly and he was greatly liked, loved and valued. But once he and I started having trouble over his mom living with us, he changed. He stopped being part of our family unit and instead, just was with us physically. No longer part of the conversation, he took to sitting by himself in the front room. Sometimes he would read the paper. Other times, he would just go to sleep.

As my house deteriorated, he isolated himself from my family and they could see he was putting all the load of raising children and keeping up the house on me, Mother and Father started to dislike him. He felt that and he disliked them even more back.

So now, 20+ yrs after we have been married, he spends family parties sitting in a chair, by himself. He makes no effort to talk to anyone. He says hi when he comes in, makes small talk, gets to his chair and sits there until someone comes up to talk to him or its time to get food. He makes no effort to be social at all.

The last family party was very illustrious. It was a big party of more than 60 people for my nephew's graduation. He greeted Mother, my brother and SIL and proceeded to spend the next three hours sitting at a table staring at the floor. He only got up to eat and made no effort to communicate with anyone. Actually, it was pretty embarressing. The weekend after that he did the same thing at Brother #1's graduation party for his son. He has no trouble sitting at a totally empty table alone while everyone else is mixing and visiting and just staring into space. That party was particularly memorable because of the puss on his face. That was Day 2 of the Big Car Debate and he was letting everyone know that he was unhappy.


My Quandary

Brother is having a surprise bday party for the SIL at their house. Kids arent invited. 70 people are expected. I am tired of having him sit at parties in a chair making everyone who knows him feel like they have to talk to him because he is alone. And all conversations are about either his illnesses or his work. (But what else do you talk about to someone who has no interests besides those things?) And I'm ashamed to be associated with him.

I dont want him to go. I've been thinking of all angles to approaching this. One is to just tell him I dont want him to go and why. I've brought up his behavior with my family many times. He just ignores the requests that he interact more. Another is to lie and tell him its for women only. But I hate to lie. The third is not to tell him about it until the last minute, let him know he has to babysit the kids, and tell him I assumed he wouldnt be going because this work project is taking all of his time. Literally, taking all of his time.

I'll probably go with the third.

Fear

I must admit that I am afraid when I think of the final cut. I think about possible scenarios - worst case ones and silly ones.

But, really, what is there to be afraid of?

I dont like change but this change will considerably lighten up my life.

I've lived the life of a single parent for a long time. So I'm used to that work load. He isnt much company so I'm used to being alone. Plus I'm not very social and am content to be by myself. We dont do anything together. Hell! We havent slept in the same room for four years. One can feel there is no bond between us. (As my son said in a therapy session, you wouldnt know he was with us unless someone told you.)

So why should I feel afraid? I think its "change".

Sometimes I feel sorry for him and what he would lose.


Mother thinks he'll be happier.

And, when I stop to think about it, I have to agree.

Waaahhhhh!

Me

I think of myself as a powerful woman who is not your average suburban mom. I'm highly educated, well read, and smart. Social though I like my space and of above average looks and build.

So how did I find myself whining and moaning for decades over what has the trappings of an abusive marriage? I recently read an article on abusive relationships and I think I know now why I got tangled up in this mess.

Until recently I felt any attention was good and I was not as self confident. It was only through living with him and seeing how strong I was did I develop a strong sense of who I am. That and having a life as a student and taking care of my kids.

Like in other abusive relationships, the abuse was cyclic. He would do whatever he pleased, watch me do all the work, and verbally abuse my family and me whenever he felt the power struggle between us looming. Then, when things were reaching a tipping point, we would sit down and talk about what was wrong, he would apologize and promise to change, and life would be sweet for a few weeks. Then it would start all over again.

In this article, they said if the abuse was sustained, people would be more likely to leave. But the abusers know this, so they go as far as they can, they act like they fixed it, everyone is happier and then they do what they want. But its that happier time that keeps you there.


You think the rest just has to be "fixed" and it would be okay.

Now he can see how separate and strong I've become. The same old tricks dont work or they dont work as well. He's afraid - thus the constant dogging to see his therapist which, in an effort to buy time, I have agreed to - he is addicted to having this relationship.

New Predictions

His feelings about his future changed.

He now thinks he is filling the role his boss wanted him to. As usual, he didnt want to do it and pushed back. Now he is and it looks like he is just starting to get recognition for this major effort.

And he told me he is enjoying it - I can tell. He is 100% isolated from us. Spends 100% of his time on this. We cannot talk to him or make any noise when he is on the phone. He goes to work, comes back and works until all hours of the night.

We have very short conversations. He is aggressive and abrasive in his style of talking when we do talk. He, of course, doesnt do anything around the house. He feels this is all justified because of what he calls "the layoff situation." Its given him permission to do whatever he thinks is necessary for work. And since he is enjoying it, being totally absorbed by it has become necessary. I asked him how long this would go on and he said until the end of the year. At least. Hopefully, he'll get himself upstairs soon.

Money makes the world go around!

His money sure does buy a lot of nice things and make life easier. But, on the other hand, is it worth being lonely 99% of the time? The kids are here now and they fill my life. But when they are gone, I will need something else. Usually people have their mates but I dont like my mate. He is no company at all. He has no interests other than work. No libido. No joy or love of life except in his work. I will be very lonely with him - I already am but my kids pick up the slack. And school takes tons of time.

And what if he gets a stroke - his medication makes this more likely - and is massively disabled? I dont love him - why would I take care of him? Yet I might feel morally bound and then my chance at a better life would be over.

I was cleaning out our library and found some old journals of mine. These are more than 10 years old. All I'd have to do is change the dates and they would match today. Do I want this to be the rest of my life so I am free to travel and buy nice things?

I dont think so. It will take getting used to but I'm sure I will. Other people travel and have what they need and they dont make a gazillion dollars.

I just love the weekends.

Well, I managed to avoid him the great majority of the day. Then, I spoke to him briefly in the evening. Got the low-down on his job rating comment and on expectations for all this work he's done. He was considerably calmed down. He did not demand I make a commitment which was a relief.


His predictions:
are that he'll get the lowest rating but told he's doing well - just not performing at the appropriate level. Then they'll demote him and cut his salary. But they'll keep him.

I asked him if his pessimism is part of this or did he really know it and he said it was his pessimism but he truly expected it. So, in other words, he might have a few comments from his boss that makes him believe this but overall nothing in concrete.

Rumblings

He is on the warpath this morning.

Already up and working at 5:30 a.m., I came down at 7. Pleasant good mornings exchanged and I let the dog out.

All of a sudden, he is in here with the San Deigo thing again. How he is going to get a bad rating and he needs to decide what to do. Then from there it went to me telling him the kids need him (which I honestly dont recall saying - I dont feel that way so why would I - I have even asked the kids what they would thinkif he worked in a far-off city - the middle one said she wouldnt care and the youngest said it would be like when he is on a trip). Then to how I dont go to his counselor and I started marriage counseling but didnt go after once (which is not true). Then he accused my mom of telling me to drop him. (She is the one telling me to hold on as long as possible.)

While he is on his conference call, I have to think of a way to turn it around on him. Let him explain and talk. He's telling me that his counselor cant believe we are still talking about the car debacle. Yet we arent. Every so often he comes in with a story from her that curls my hair. Then he has to go and correct what he told her and comes back with something else.

Expect nothing and ...

you wont be disappointed!

One thing that has bothered me but not terribly surprised me is his reaction to my cleaning

the room formerly known as "office".

Last weekend, before I really got into cleaning that space, he complained to me that he needed to work in "the office". That he needed that space and to get a desk in there and phone etc. I told him "fine" and that I was going to be cleaning it this week.

I spent at least 12 hours in there. (It was REALLY bad.) I had to drag up a folding table from the basement and also moved a chair up there. I set up his charger cord. He never said thanks. Didnt even acknowledge it. Kept right on working in the kitchen where everyone had to tiptoe around him.

I had put a lot of stuff from the library into the MILs addition. (She's gone until January.) I planned to sort it out and put it back in its rightful place. So when I got the library clean enough, I started cleaning out that stuff. This morning I sorted it out and moved it back in this afternoon. I think he was partially upset because he thought I was moving him back into that room so I could have my room. That was my plan. This may be why he is not acknowledging it and why he was so angry. He said to me "I suppose I have to move back into here now. I dont want to. It sounds silly but its bad luck."

Maybe I'll move one of the twin beds into the library and have him sleep there instead.

News Flash!

He spoke today!

Actually, he spoke yesterday too. But both times it was to spend 20 minutes telling me the minute details of this huge and bothersome project he is working on.

He could not help it. He was bursting at the seams to tell someone the entire saga. I was there. But all he needed was my ears.

I understand this since I used to need to talk to him too. Just to talk to someone. Anyone over the age of 17.

You Monster!

Perhaps things are coming to a head

Him "Where's my stuff? Where is it?"
Me "Hmmm. Exactly what stuff do you mean? What do you mean by "it"? We were cleaning in here for hours."
Him "Where's that soccer box with my stuff in it? I had my good pen and some meds in there. Where is it?"
Me "I cleaned out the paper and put it in a smaller box. I didnt see the pen."
Him "Where did you put it? You threw away my pen that my brother gave me, didnt you? You threw everything away. Where's my stuff? Where is it?"


At one point, he was actually pounding the table demanding his pen.

Ended up it was in a box he had left on the shelf where I had not yet cleaned. But he really let me have it about how the "office" is now a "library" and how its not his room. I told him years ago when we bought the shelves that this room was going to be a library since we have so many books.

He has a strange habit of putting things into available boxes or bags and just stacking them places. I actually found things from 1995 in his bags. Stuff that no one needs to save. But somehow he envisioned this as a room where he could just stack his stuff. I set up a table and chair for him and there is a phone line, etc. His books and papers are stored there. But he basically wants the entire room for his own personal use. Whatever that would be.

To give me credit, I went through everything page by page or piece by piece (depending on what it was) before tossing it.

Island in the Stream

My children and I have not had more than a two sentence conversation with the S.O. for over a week now. His work has totally absorbed him. He says its going to be this way at least until the end of the year. Anytime I say anything to him - be it "Here's your dinner." or "Did you see Liebermann is in trouble?" - he says "I cant deal with it now." Though he is more than willing to take out time to tell me the latest on what is going on in the project or to tell me something he wants done.He comes home at 8 pm, and is out by 6.


He is on the phone til 1 a.m.

We had planned a big (read: expensive) vacation for October. I am hoping he'll have to back out. Our bickering ruins a lot of vacations and he brings nothing positive to it since he is so self involved. Our last vacation, though, was better. If he is too busy, he maybe wont be able to go.


The kids dont care if he makes it.

I dont know whether this is good or bad. I like having his attention elsewhere. Living day to day as if we were a couple had been too fake and that is hard for me. But having to tip-toe around him every minute that he is at home is very difficult.

I cleaned out the spare bedroom at home and set up a table and chair for him in there. I'm hoping he'll use it. And then, since I sleep across the hall from that room, I plan to move back into my bedroom saying he's too loud and have him move into his mom's room. Otherwise, I'll have to do it outright which will mean loads of useless discussion.

And now ...

back to our story.

Ends up after a couple of days, the docs realize he has subacute endocarditis. This means he has an infection in his heart.


It is so bad they need to replace a mitral valve.

I never feel any anxiety because I really dont care what happens to him.

To make a long story short, he has the surgery and is home one week later.
Mother suggests maybe this is a good time to take a chance and start fresh in our relationship. We (he and I) talk and decide we will try. He admits he has been the source of our problems and will try to change. I, for myself, will keep myself open to him and any changes he is trying to make.

He is home for six weeks. Not being at work is nice for him. Its okay for me. I never liked having him always around - whether we were getting along or not.

We go on vacation. Its the usual complaining and second guessing. He does make an effort to be with us when we go to the pool. Except he doesnt interact. He just comes down and floats in an inner tube yards behind us.

Aaaargh!

He thinks he won the war.

He doesnt realize the war was over a while back and terms are being drawn up.

The Kids and Next Day

The kids are totally unaffected by this. They act the same. They do not even ask how he is - ever. This is how outside of us he is.

I, myself, am surprised that I feel nothing except the usual empathy one has for a fellow creature that is suffering. There is no feeling there of the potential loss of a mate.


Body scan scheduled

One of the many doctors calls me at night to tell me they will do a body scan overnight to look for masses. She said this doesnt necessarily mean cancer - there could be a non-cancerous mass. I know, though, what she really means. I can call in the morning.

I do call early and find the scan showed nothign and he had to get blood transfusions last nite. Some blood number had fallen too low. I talk to him and he actually makes sense.

And so they begin the search for what is wrong with him.

Infamous Mother's Day

Mother's Day morning, he is getting dressed to go with the kids and me to eat brunch with my mom. He looks like hell. And we are so estranged that I am tempted to ask him to just stay home. As he is putting on his shoes, he is talking to me like the day is Thanksgiving. Scary! I ask him to repeat it and he says he doesnt know why he said that.

We start our 50 min drive. In the car, he thinks one of the kids is at home. Then he thinks the dog is with us and wants to know why we brought her.

He is freezing. I put the heat on tho its a beautiful day. He is wearing his winter coat. When we land up there, he is so cold in the restaurant that I put him in the car with the heat running. He is so bad looking he scares my mom. While at the restaurant, he cant add up the check or the tip and his signature is illegible.

I decide to bring him to the hospital. He is extremely angry when I bring it up. I attempt to call his brother to help me convince him but he doesnt answer. He tells me a story about bones that is so creepy, I cant take it. I tell him to stop talking to me and I give him an option. He can either go to the hospital we choose after we drop off the kids and pack some stuff, or I'll call 911 on him. He opts for the hospital of our choice.

I drop off the kids, change my clothes and pack a bag of books and a bottle of water. Off we go. I choose a hospital that is 50 min away. He is incensed but since I am driving the car I just ignore him. He cracks a few jokes along the way - pertinent jokes - and I am shocked as he never jokes. He keeps insisting we are going the wrong way. We finally pull into the hospital parking lot. I have to hold his hand to walk him to the building (never realizing I could have just drove up to the building.) His hand is on fire with fever.



We go to the Emergency Room where he tells Registration that I am the one who is nutty and I dont make sense. He has a high temp and is admitted with Change of Personality - something like that. I sit with him in the little draped off room and listen to him make less and less sense. He starts to fall asleep off and on between tests. They do a brain scan. They take his blood over and over again. A spinal tap. I hear the doc and interns talking at the desk outside the curtains and realize they think he has cancer and want to do some work for that. Finally, since they cannot stabilize him, they admit him. I head upstairs with the guy who is bringing him to his room.

They put him on the Oncology floor. I ask why but they said its because that is where they have room for him. He is now totally out of it and I head home.

I make phone calls from the car. His boss is exceedingly rude to me. But I expected that. I start the calling tree by talking to his brother first. I dont much like his family tho I like his brother so thats as far as I'll go. He'll call the rest. The decision is made to keep this secret from his mom due to her obsession.

He has no idea where he is or why. He has to be helped from the trolley to the bed.